smällkaramellens

1- Leaving your socks or shoes on Forget what you learned from watching porn.
If you are one of those guys that tends to rush getting undressed in the throes of passion, take your socks off first and stash them far, far away from her sensitive nose. Otherwise, try to undress as slowly as you can, and remember to remove your pants last.

2- Answering your cell phone
Cell phone use during intercourse seems to be at an all-time high. According to a BBDO Worldwide survey, 15% of Americans have interrupted sex to answer a cell phone call. To resist the urge to drop her breast for your ringing phone, turn it off before you begin foreplay. This is particularly true if your mother has a tendency to check up on you during the day. If she is likely to call, make sure to turn off your answering machine as well.

3- Engaging in small talk
Women love vocal, erudite men, but during intercourse is not the time to show off your gregariousness. And ditch the tautological demagoguery about the origin of the universe. The only thing you should be talking about is how much she turns you on and how great it feels to be inside her. Now’s not the time to be watching the game.

4- Watching anything other than her
This includes sports broadcasts. To avoid the temptation of staring at the TV, turn it off; better yet, remove it from your bedroom. A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex only half as often as those who don’t. Other frequent transgressions include checking a clock or observing your pecs or beer belly in the mirror. You are supposed to be looking at your woman (preferably in her eyes), and that means forgetting everything else. If you feel yourself getting distracted, try to redirect your attention by practicing mindfulness -- staying in the moment by tuning all of your senses to your current experience. Focus on the softness of her skin, the aroma of her hair and the sounds of her moans.

5- Drooling on her (or spitting globs of saliva on her face)
You can use your saliva as a moisturizer on her genitals, but keep it away from her face. It’s gross, and she won’t care if you’ve seen it in some adult movie.

6- Collapsing two seconds after your climax
In your defense, there is a physiological reason that men feel sleepy after orgasm, and this is because the post-climactic blood rush depletes the muscles of energy-producing glycogen, leaving them feeling physically drained. Glycogen loss also triggers the release of adenosine, which acts as a messenger to the cells, triggering sleep. Because men have more muscle mass than women, men are more likely to feel sleepy just when their partners are yearning for some after-sex cuddling. But, just like you rose above your physiology’s tendency to reach orgasm in two to five minutes, you can rise above this sleepiness reflex. Put some energetic dance music on the stereo, turn the lights on, have a sip of Sex Kola or another high-caffeine drink, or practice lovemaking in a place where you are unlikely to doze off, like on the kitchen counter. Whatever it takes, give your partner the romancing she needs while she is cooling down from the heat of your manly passion.

7- Mentioning the sexual skills of other women
Don’t ever, ever talk about other women while making love. Women particularly resent you mentioning your ex-girlfriends or comparing your current experience to that with any other woman. Needless to say, consider any reference to a concurrent wife or girlfriend to be a total taboo. There might be an occasional exception, such as when she asks you to imagine having a threesome with Angelina Jolie or some other woman who turns her on. But otherwise, the rule is: When her panties come off, she is the only woman in the world for you. Cracking jokes in bed and addressing her “wee-wee”.

8- Turning sex into stand-up comedy
You may be a potential winner at amateur night at your local Comedy Store, but forget about giggling, snickering, laughing or telling jokes while making love. While women love a good sense of humor, and it’s a great seduction tool, being silly or laughing can hamper her arousal and trivialize the sexual experience for her, so lose your humor with your clothes. You can pick it up again during post-coital bliss -- after you’ve told her how great it was for you.

9- Using infantile pet names for body parts
Call a clit a clit, and a vagina is a vagina, not a wee-wee. She doesn’t care what you call your penis when you’re masturbating or telling guy jokes with your buddies, or what your mother called it when she was changing your diapers. She wants to feel that she is a grown-up woman experiencing mature lovemaking with a real prince charming, and not a little girl “playing doctor.” Sex is an adult activity, so grow up before engaging in it.

10- Forgetting about your physiological differences
She is not a RealDoll made to withstand 250 pounds of pressure, nor is her vagina ready to receive pillow-pounding thrusts from the first moment of contact. A woman’s vagina is designed to receive maximum stimulation in its outer one to two inches and to expand (through a process called “tenting”) to receive deeper and harder thrusts as her arousal progresses. So starting slowly, shallowly and gently allows her to enjoy it much more -- and prevents you from climaxing too soon -- and also gives her time to work up to those heavy hip slammers.

1. Get in the mood
Cuddling does not count as initiating playtime. A man likes to feel desired too and for a change, he'd like it if his woman actually showed her interest by unbuttoning his shirt and pants. A woman should strip a man naked and strive to arouse him to the point where nature takes over. She should not wait to be asked to get it doggy-style either. A good woman will roll over and present -- she knows she loves it. 

2. Lack of foreplay?
Wouldn't it be nice if women spent some time arousing their men for a change? Why is it that it's the man's job alone to arouse himself and his mate?

3. Playing dead
"Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? Come on... I have become comfortably numb." Doesn't this give the Pink Floyd song so much more meaning? Why do some women insist on using sex as a time to catch up on their beauty sleep? Are they participants, or just spectators taking notes on a man's performance so they can report back to their girlfriends? The next time you hear a woman complaining about a bad sexual experience ask her, "Where were you when all this happened? At least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation." 

4. Yanking the penis
Insist that your penis not be used as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen her forearms. Inform her that the "sweet" stroke is the down stroke, towards the body, and that she refrain from pulling the foreskin away from the body. 

5. Lollipop fellatio
The male organ is a thing of wonderment and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. Why do some women think that fellatio involves licking a man's penis as if it's a lollipop? The magic is in her vacuum-like abilities. Tell her to be gentle, keep teeth away at all times and use lots of saliva.

6. Brushing teeth
Asking a man to go brush his teeth after he has finished performing his cunnilingus duties is unsexy and can really ruin the mood. On the other hand, if a woman expects a kiss after performing her fellatio duties, it is expected that she be considerate and hop to the washroom right away to brush her teeth. 

7. Spit bucket
It's understandable that some women do not like the taste of semen. But the most annoying thing a woman can do by far is put a spit basket beside her. Spitting into the basket every two minutes really cheapens and degrades the whole act. If your woman cannot handle the taste, ask her to stop out of respect, or rub some Strawberry/Kiwi Juice on your penis to camouflage the taste of semen.

8. Lack of position savvy
A small number of women have no clue how to move around in bed, making it very clumsy and awkward to try any new and erotic positions. This is probably due to lack of experience or participation in past relationships. When I say position 69, I don't mean to literally position her in a number shape. Or when I suggest doggy-style, I don't mean for her to bark either. I suggest that you give her a sex manual, or read one yourself to help her reach incredible new heights of unbelievable intense sexual pleasure. That, or get her an Etch A Sketch. 

9. Distractions
In order to fully enjoy sex, one must indulge themselves in the moment without being distracted by menial thoughts such as doing the laundry, washing the dishes, making a shopping list, or repainting the bedroom. If your woman begins to talk about such things, ask her to go back to playing dead

10. Faking orgasm
How can a man improve his sexual performance if his woman keeps faking orgasm? As long as he thinks she's satisfied, he'll keep doing the same thing, and she'll keep faking. Eventually it will become a vicious cycle. Some women still have the nerve to complain about their men's lovemaking skills. Instead of complaining to their girlfriends, women should make it a habit of letting men know when they're pleasing them and when they're not. Men deserve some credit, our egos are not as fragile as women think. As long as it's constructive criticism, men won't mind if it will improve the lovemaking.